The Four Most Common Mistakes We Make in Difficult Conversations

Date: 2008-11-21 10:38:27

By maureen collins

We face difficult conversations every day. They can be with our children, our parents, family members and spouses; with colleagues, employees and with the boss; with friends and neighbors; with tenants, landlords, business partners, and in the sports team.

Sometimes these conversations are about the big issues of race, religion, gender and politics. More often than not they are about common everyday issues.

At work, conversations involving feedback on poor performance are difficult for both managers and employees. When we share open plan office space we argue over the background music and how loudly people talk and laugh. In families, conversations about disciplining children and how household chores should be shared are often difficult. Neighbors get into damaging arguments about dogs, noise and parking problems, then go to court, or move house.

Most of us wish we could avoid the conversations about money that we sometimes face with our bank managers, business partners or spouses, and sometimes with our children and siblings!

We put these conversations off for as long as we can because we know they are likely to involve heated argument, blame or accusation and often end up in emotional outbursts of tears or anger. It is simply not safe to get into them! The stakes are high. We might make fools of ourselves, damage a relationship for ever, or make it impossible to work constructively with someone in the future.

At the same time, most of us realize that swinging from stony silence into emotional argument and back again is not good in any relationship. You can start to improve your communication skills by recognizing four of the most common mistakes you are likely to make that can make difficult conversations disastrous.

You talk too much!

When we talk about something that is sensitive, personal and difficult, we often talk around the subject, not being specific, trying to be polite, hoping the other person will somehow pick up the meaning.

However, you may say so much that they are unable to work out what you are getting at and you only succeed in adding confusion to an already difficult conversation. You may also by accident say something exaggerated or accusing and cause a defensive reaction.

Plan what you need to say, then choose the most simple way of saying it. The fewer words you use to open a conversation and explain the problem as you see it, the safer you will be.

You think you know everything!

When we feel strongly about something we are usually convinced that we have got all the facts at our finger tips and that we know exactly what is going on. We also are quite sure we know who is right and who is wrong! So we go into a conversation primarily to get the other person to agree with us. We say to ourselves: If I can just get her to see, or: If they will just do.

The more the other person resists, perhaps trying to offer their own viewpoint, the harder you push to get your way. However, you rarely, if ever, know all the facts in a complex conversation, and you cannot always be right!

You must go into difficult conversations about complex issues prepared to listen, and prepared to consider the viewpoint of the other person.

You blame everyone except yourself!

It is tempting to see every problem as the fault of someone else. If THEY would perform to the agreed standards: if THEY would just stick to the rules: if THEY would do what they promised; then there would not be a problem. The fact is that if you are part of the situation, you are in some way also part of the problem.

Are you sure you made your instructions clear? Did you clarify priorities? Did you set clear standards? Did you get commitment to these standards?

You need to remember that you may be as much part of the problem as anyone else.

You go straight to action!

It is tempting to offer an immediate solution to the problem in a difficult conversation, so you can end it quickly. Avoid this temptation! Slow down. You need to hear all sides of the story, and the other person needs to know that their opinions and feelings have been heard.

If you push too quickly for your own solution it is likely that others will not be committed to the outcome. You will think you have solved the problem only to find that nothing changes and you are back to square one after the conversation.

These four mistakes account for many of the problems we face in difficult conversations. If you can avoid them you will find that your communication skills will improve noticeably.


Author

Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za. This articles came from MoreArticles.net.


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